Trying to Conceive

***Trigger warning, pregnancy loss and infertility issues

I know, this is supposed to be a breastfeeding blog, but I feel like everyone should know that my journey to start breastfeeding was a long and difficult one. In May 2012 Alex and I decided that we would start our family. This should be easy, after trying to prevent pregnancy for so long, there shouldn’t be an issue getting pregnant. 

The months went by, test after test, negative. It is so discouraging to see a negative when all you want is a positive test. Each month I would have my cycle start over and just cry. Why could so many other people just magically wind up pregnant without even wanting to. I am in a happy and stable relationship and we just want a baby.

November 2012, I finally got pregnant, baby was coming and due in August. At 5 weeks we announced it to everyone. Baby was on the way and we couldn’t be more excited. Blood work, and more blood work. They measure the amount of HCG in the blood to ensure the baby is growing at an appropriate rate before they can see it on ultrasound. One day I had a sharp, sudden pain, around 5.5 weeks; we called the office. The doctor reminded us that miscarriages happen in 1 out of 4 pregnancies. I left that appointment feeling defeated and confused. How could a single sharp pain mean that we would lose the baby we had wanted for so long? I remember telling Alex that was the last time I would be seeing that doctor (family practice, not OB GYN).

December 18, 2012, AKA the worst day so far, I started spotting. I ran down our long hallway, the tears already starting “Aleeeeeex!!!” Not knowing what to do or what was happening, we rushed to the ER. We are 8.5-10 weeks pregnant according to all of the calculations that I have done. They take blood work, complete an ultrasound, my baby has no heartbeat. My HCG is still in the 800’s just as it was 3 weeks earlier. Christmas is right around the corner, but my body hasn’t processed the loss since the baby stopped growing. Now I have to decide, should I wait and see, or schedule the DnC. I opted for the second choice. Scheduled everything for December 19, 2012. I was determined to bring in the New Year without remnants of the past year.

The day of the procedure was horrible. I had to wait until the end of the day due to the doctor being called away for an emergency on another mom. Alex and I went in, we needed to be done before his shift started that night. They brought us to a little room, showed my baby on the ultrasound again, the only one we had printed, and began the procedure. The doctor said we can start trying again after the first cycle, and at least we know we CAN get pregnant. As if that was a helpful comment. For my grieving process, I named him Blake Lee. I would write letters to him to help myself work through the grief. Some nights, while Alex played video games, I would climb into his lap and make him hold me.

January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August. My baby should be born now. She or he should be crying into the world, just like my cousin’s baby. I am still not pregnant again, even though my body failed me once, now it fails me every month that goes by. We try Ovulation prediction kits, temping, timing “the deed”, writing EVERYTHING down, but nothing works.

Four more months pass. We are getting married in just a bit. In order to save extra money we discuss our options and decide to talk with my mom about staying there until after the wedding.My mom calls, “please just come move here, we will figure it out.” We move in January. We switch to a natural planning method since I had been tracking for so long. This should prevent pregnancy until after the wedding.

What do you know, Llama decided to be on the way shortly thereafter. Our Rainbow would be here before we know it. Ironically, I was 4 months pregnant at our wedding and had to be sewn into my wedding dress.

I wish that getting pregnant always happened as easily as it did with our second child. When Llama was 9 months old we went off birth control and let fate take the wheel. Since I was nursing Llama nearly exclusively still, I assumed my cycle would take a while to start. Instead of stressing, I just took a pregnancy test every Sunday.

One Sunday, I went to make breakfast. I peered into the fridge, getting the eggs, and….wait where’s the bacon??? Tears in my eyes, I wake Alex up. 

“We don’t have any bacon,” I whined to him. 

“Of course we do, there’s turkey bacon right in the fridge.”

“No, Alex, I NEED real bacon NOOOOOOOOW.” I wailed.

I should note here that I had never liked pig bacon in my life. That was the day the test turned positive, Llama was just over a year old.

When the time came to attempt conception for the fourth time giving us our third baby, I was terrified. So many things could go wrong. Another loss, nearly two years of trying again, never getting pregnant again, and all of the things in between. I opted to start off with temping this time. Essentially you take your temp first thing in the morning (I set an extra alarm just for this), and over time your temp will rise a smidge and that indicates ovulation.

Eleven months, ten cycles, a hundred ovulation and pregnancy tests, and millions of tears, we finally conceived again. Well, I think I see the line. Maybe not. Yes, it’s there. Two days later my temperature really spiked (102.5), I started spotting, I’m losing my baby again. The doctor wants me to go to the ER to have my blood work done as they are worried about an infection. Thankfully nothing was seriously wrong, but I did lose that baby. Back to temping.

Baby #3 arrived the following winter, on the coldest day of the season. Both of us winding up with an extended hospital stay, him in the NICU and me for a severe postpartum hemorrhage. Unfortunately, the family I dreamed of, a family of six, would no longer be a reality. The doctors gave me a 20% chance of dying due to blood loss should I have another baby. Alex got snipped when Baby was six months old to ensure that we couldn’t go back on our decision to be done having kids. I think I’ve cried more tears over being done than I ever did over not being pregnant. It’s really difficult to verbalize these feelings because I haven’t truly processed them.

Here we are, Baby will be two in a few months and I have three healthy, beautiful, fun babies. As always, life has given me what I need rather than what I want, and that’s absolutely perfect.